Being An Adult Sucks Ass Sometimes

My Mom went to the ER today. She’s going to Urgent Care tomorrow. I have to go to work b/c I have no leave.

I’m going to worry until she calls me and tells me she’s okay.

Also, I’m having the conversation with my Brothers this week asking them, “What are we prepared to do in the event that a parent suddenly passes?” Realization: not much…but we gotta at least have that talk.

Especially with our Mom and Dad having these health scares lately.

Looking at Doctoral Programs…

I’ll be done applying by December 15th of this year. Narrowing down my schools with a list to be finalized by July 15th. :)

I Get It…

I’m not the most liked person in the world and I’ll never be that. I’m not even understood most of the time (at least I feel like it). And what’s difficult is that some people make think I’m hard to deal with.

And tonight, I sit in my bed typing this before I go to bed because I’m sad. I think about all of the things I keep pent up inside of me…which would surprise most people because I have the tendency to overshare on social media. My blog? Well, you get to know about the real me because of it…and it’s hard.

At 2am on a Saturday morning in June, I’m typing this because I’m sad and my life is hard. I want to admit that I don’t know how to handle this and that the burden feels extremely heavy but in today’s society where I don’t fit a mold and people only remember me when their main options (and sometimes backups) run out, it’s hard to do that.

I talk about my parents and if you don’t know them, they get a bad rap. If you do know them, I come across as a brat. My reality is that I wake up most days feeling like the worst daughter; and on the days  that I don’t, I just feel worthless. People don’t know what it’s like to have a Mom with mental illness; a real mental illness where you are the reminder of a dark period of her life. People don’t get what it’s like to wonder if you should have been killed at any point in your life instead of a sibling. People don’t know what it’s like to feel like your younger siblings lived through bad circumstances because you weren’t there.

My life is full of “what if?”s and even though I’m working through them, it’s still hard to get up in the morning and face myself. At the end of the day, I just want a break…or to feel like i deserve happiness and I don’t.

But don’t worry. This is me just typing my thoughts before bed. I don’t want you all worrying about  me (those that do anyway). I don’t want your pity and I don’t want to anger you.

These are just the things I deal with on a daily basis.

And if you feel so inclined, can you all pray that my family feels some sort of peace?

(Source: verbal-purification)

Paid off!!!! Applying for apartments can now commence. 😊

Here Is My One Fresh Ass Post…

If I had a boyfriend, I’d have given him a Father’s Day card today with the sentimental message scratched out & then wrote, “I love you so much that I swallowed the kids. Better luck next time.”

LOL

On Nights Like Tonight….

…I really hate being single.